You’re at loss for words right now. You don’t know what has happened. You know it’s bad, you know you’ve changed but you don’t understand why.
You’re in pain, a lot of pain, but you can’t say anything because then it will just be one of those things wrong with you, which let’s be honest are quite a lot. It doesn’t make sense that he’s looking at you like that. But even more than that it doesn’t make sense how people can’t see.
You wish you could rewind this day back to the point where you were playing with your colouring book and wish extra lessons never came around. But you can’t.
You leave this scene, never really knowing what happened, but with a sense of brokenness. I can’t, unfortunately, tell you that this is the end because it’s only the beginning.
You’re curious right now. Super curious because you’ve been told it’s bad but it’s been presented in the best way possible. “Keep it a secret,” they said and you’re wondering how. The kitchen is right next to you. But it happens anyway and becomes a secret.one that piles on the shame as time goes by.
You start to ask questions and wonder why no one notices. You even pray someone asks you a genuine “How are you?” so you could break it down. But you’re less than perfect is not appreciated and shoved in your face. So in between the late night bed wets and the unending sharp pain, you accept the pain and turn it into a comfort blanket. One that you never leave the house with.
You’re becoming bitchy. Yeah people don’t see it and you hide it well under the guise of being timid, but you know it’s not you and can’t break the circle. So you confine yourself. It’s even hard to remember why you became like this, but the pain and bitterness are too much of a comfort to leave behind and you’d rather stay with “The Devil” you know than “The Angel” you don’t know.
You’re getting tired. Tired of being broken. Tired of feeling broken. Tired of acting broken. Tired of being cast aside. Tired of being unable to hold a relationship. It’s hurting that everyone is thriving and blossoming and they can’t see the pain behind your smile. You want a temporary fix but that’s all it is and though every motivational speaker is in your face about choosing life, the light at the end of the tunnel is shining brighter at the edge of a ledge.
But here’s what different.
You did not take a step off that ledge. Not because life is worth living – it is though – but because you got dragged off. Relief is not what you felt when you realized this and you will want to crawl right back to the edge of that ledge.
You’re not going to feel better immediately. It took a long while. We are still not feeling better.
You’re not going to feel strong even though people think you are.
You’re going to have to deal with a lot of anxiety and anxiousness. You will wake up some days and feel like lying down in bed all day and willing your life away. You will wish for all the strength in the world and find none because you can only get yourself up.
You will find out what it means to be depressed and suicidal but you will be unable to share. You will even attempt to break the norm and find yourself unable to and in that critical moment when the choice between life and death is to be made again, you will choose life.
It does not become rosy from then on; I am living it, but you will get through the hard times far more easily and in those moments when you should quit, you’ll push through.
Right now you will feel broken, but you will get to a point where I am, where you find beauty in your brokenness. And you may not believe me, but hold that I am there right now as assurance.
About the Writer: Damilola Osifowora – I am an eccentric person. When my eyes are not buried deep within a book, which is every time. But I do take time off every now and then to indulge in earthly things like fanning over a worldwide pop star!